My Spiritual self

A few family members have commented that I have become very spiritual since my diagnosis. The truth is I have always been very spiritual since a little girl, but never really expressed my feelings or shown others my interests, because it was just my little hobby. Once the kids came along I didn’t really have much time to continue my hobby and explore different aspects of spiritualism and healing and working full time and being a mummy was tough. The only time I had off was annual leave and if we wasn’t going away on holiday I used to spend it when the children were on holiday from school, so my day would be jam packed of kids activities. No time to get the tarot cards out.

So I just wanted to explain a bit about my spiritual journey. Some people reading this may be completely shocked and didn’t know that side existed in my life, others will know me very well and appreciate the passion I have exploring this fascinating world and realise it has always been a part of me.

I remember as a very young child, probably around 7 or 8. I watched a film or a TV show that showed people moving objects with their minds. This absolutely fascinated me and I remember sitting at my desk in my bedroom trying to move a coin on the desk with my mind. I remember focusing on door handles and trying to make them move or paper stacks. But actually nothing ever happened. Yet it still got my attention. I also remember as a child watching a programme called ‘strange but true’ I used to really look forward to this, it never scared me, but In my young teenage years ‘most haunted’ was around and this did scare me. Not at the time watching it, but once I went to bed I would overthink about ghosts – thinking they were in my room about to jump out!

All of these things as a child grabbed my attention. I would be the child that would buy a dream catcher at the car boot sale, I would have journals at the side of my bed, eagerly awaiting the previous nights dreams to be documented then interpreted. I owned about 4 dream dictionaries at the age of 10. Everything I believed happened for a reason, including dreams. I still remember 2 very prominent dreams I had as a child, they stillI alter some of the ways I do things today. One very strange thing occurred as a child, Me and my sister shared bedrooms and one night we had exactly the same nightmare about our mum, the storyline and everything was the same. Now, you may think as children our imaginations were running wild and one could copy the other, but we still very much remember this and it’s quite scary looking back the detail we both remember about that particular dream.

Moving into my teenage years I found a little passion for astrology. I was probably around 12 at the time, I would buy books and magazines and spend my weekends soaking up as much information as possible. The World Wide Web didn’t really come into context in our house until I was about 14, so books were my major source of information.

The Astrology side of things kind  of faded out, at the age of 13 you kind of grow a new interest and that’s boys! I spent the next few years just being a teenager, partying and having a good time. I still kept a dream diary though.

When I was around 16 I started earning a proper wage. I would work in the school/college holidays at a local factory and money coming in was pretty good for a 16 year old, I purchased my first ever crystal. A rose Quartz. I still have this same crystal on my side in my bedroom. I clean it every few months under cold running water and give it an energy charge when I remember under a full moon (just sat on the windowsill) I also purchased my first set of tarot cards and these are the set that I have today. Some people suggest wrapping your tarot cards in silk, but mine are in the same box I purchased them in, this is how I like it.

I met my husband John when I was 18. We were friends for a year before we starting dating. As my friend, he was a bit of a Guinea pig for tarot card readings. He still thinks even to this day that it’s a whole lot of tosh. He doesn’t believe it in at all. To be honest the tarot side of things I haven’t pursued. It’s just a bit of fun, however they are still sat in my lounge taking pride of place on my bookcase. This blog has given me the urge to get them out once again and learn the trade properly.

At 17, when at college doing beauty therapy, I signed up for a crystal healing course. It was an evening run course and because I was under 19 I got to enrol for free. I stayed for around 4 weeks and left. The students were all very much 40+ and a young 17 year old like me, just didn’t fit in. Don’t get me wrong I tend to get on with most people, but I just didn’t click in this group. Im really gutted I left. I would love to be able to understand more of crystals and their healing properties. I’ve since gone onto purchase an amethyst and a clear Quartz, both beautiful chunks of crystals.

So my story moves on into a more dramatic, mediumship kind of interest. Unfortunately I am not a medium. I would absolutely love to be , but just can’t engage with spirit. Not that I have ever tried in a development sense, but just haven’t got ‘the gift’ as most mediums talk about.

My older brother Mike died when I was 21. It was a very sudden death and as you can imagine for my parents and younger brother and sister, it was a horrendous time. The first year of his death was extraordinary for me and my spiritual interest. I found I was having dreams with Mike in that were so real. I felt very close to him and felt these dreams were a huge comfort. I could feel him near me and could smell him occasionally. I knew he must be around, so I visited my first Clairvoyant. To be honest around 60% (a rough guess) of mediums I have seen have been rubbish. I’ve payed between £15-£40 to see someone, usually lasting an hour. It became a bit of an obsession in the first three years that he died. It was like I was seeking someone to talk to him for me and give me all the answers on a plate. Clearly that’s never going to happen, but what did happen was I met the most incredible medium, who has the most precious gift. Her name was Louise and she was around my age. She lived locally and didn’t charge the earth. Even to this day she doesn’t work as a medium, she’s just concentrating on raising her young family. Her reading meant so much to me and after this encounter I felt like I wasn’t chasing something that wasn’t there anymore. I now pay to see mediums as I enjoy seeing them work, it fascinates me how they work, what they say and do. Some are still on the weaker edge I must admit, actually that’s unfair of me to say that, because I am just comparing every time to louise. Some are more gifted than others, but I have definetly seen some ‘mediums’ play on people’s emotions and give over information that is on such a wide wave length that it could be taken in any context. When your grieving that’s what you do, you fit the information given as your so desperate to hear from your loved ones.

Ive also attended some group seances and explored haunted houses. These are very much up my street and is something I plan to do a lot of with my best buddy Donna. We both love the thrill and the unknown of what’s about to happen.

ive also been very lucky to have been invited along to a Student demonstration for them to practice on me, it was just after I had my son Freddie, so around 5ish years ago. The host wanted someone in particularly that had lost a loved one to a trauma. I’m not sure if this is because deaths with trauma involved have a stronger spirit presence or not, or if it was just an area they were covering, but I went along. I sat on my own, the Students were sat around me in a semi circle, there were probably around 15 students. They would focus in and out of meditation and try and pick up spirit around me. They were actually very good. One particular guy stood out for me, he said “for some reason I can’t pick up spirit, but I am laying in a bed with equipment on my face and you are looking over me.” He said he couldn’t feel his body and felt paralysed, but could see me looking over him, at the time I was working in Accident and Emergency as a nurse and told him this. He felt really shaken as he realised it was a hospital bed he was in and the equipment on his face was life support. It clearly shook him up as he believed it was a premenition of something that was about to happen. Luckily for him and me I have never nursed him in the years gone by, but clearly it was a scary moment for him!

So moving forward into my late twenties and to now, I have embraced all the little interests I’ve had since a young girl. I’ve got a bit of time on my hands when I’m feeling well as not back to work until the Autumn. I would like to take this opportunity to explore more about crystal healing, learn about my chakras and balancing my energy and possibly attend a spiritual development course to see if I have anything there. I would love to hear your stories…….

much love,

Michelle xx

 

#5 Chemo

Number 5! Whoa…… The end is in sight.

I remember before I even started chemotherapy, reading other people’s blogs having chemo and some of them documenting number 5 with just one more to go and thinking that will be me in the summer. Well here it is! I’ve actually done 5 chemos!!

So this one, pretty similar to the last, pain was not as bad as number 4, I just find with the docataxel that the side effects seem to last longer. I’m now day 10 and still feel really fatigued, where as on the FEC I felt right as rain by now. One side effect I’ve had with this one is nose bleeds. My platelets must be on the low side, luckily they’ve not lasted very long, so no intervention… Just annoying more than anything.

so number 6 is on its way. I’m not sure wether to crack the Moët open after chemo or after I’ve finished radiotherapy? My parents and aunties and uncles are away on my official last day of radio and really wanted them to raise a glass with me, oh sod it we will do both!

Well as you can probably tell I am very upbeat about the whole thing. I think chemo number 4 is the worst for feeling low, emotional and generally rubbish, number 5 is much much better I promise!

For now I’m going to be shopping thank you cards for everyone at the chemo unit, I may even put together a large fruit hamper for them as a little thank you for looking after me!

Chowe for now,

xx

#4 chemo

It’s only 5 days until I recieve chemo number 5! So I apologise for taking so long with the number 4 update.

So number 4 was a new chemo, it’s always been scheduled to be given on number 4,5 and 6 but it’s a totally different chemo to my previous ones. This one is called Docataxel. The side effects I was told was bone and joint pain, fatigue, hair loss and possibly loose stools. I can totally relate to the first two!!

My chemo is a Wednesday, I was given the treatment in the morning and was sick before I could even leave the hospital grounds, getting john to pull over in a busy stream of hospital traffic was not the best move – but it had to be done! When I got home I felt fine for the rest of the day and pretty much the next day. I never had the chemo ‘fog’ that I’ve had with previous chemos – my mind felt clear and well.

By Friday of that week the side effects started kicking in, I had horrendous pain in my hips and downwards, it was a deep bone pain and regular painkillers wouldn’t shift it, I then had bad pins and needles in my feet especially after a bath, which seemed to be worse at night time. This was unbearable. I had to start the GCSF injections 2 days earlier with this chemo too so the bone pain from them also added to the list! My tongue was so sore and my gums felt like they were going to break out in ulcers at anytime. I kept up a really good oral hygiene regime, cleaning my teeth three times a day, using difflam mouthwash 4 times a day and chlorhexadine mouthwash twice a day (this one leaves a funny reside in your mouth) For pain wise, I had regular paracetamol and ibuprofen and added in codeine when I needed it. I’ve been given Gabapentin for the nerve pain in my feet for next time, but will hold off on that for as long as possible as I HATE taking medications full stop.

So this chemo was pretty horrendous… I had a hospital admission too for an infection (mild, so lucky) I’m back on the chemo train next week, but counting my lucky stars that I have only two more to go!!

in the meantime I’ve met my radiotherapy consultant, he’s explained everything about the radiotherapy treatment. I’ve got my planning appointment the day before my last chemo!

for now I’m going to enjoy the rest of the half term, my little Freddie has had a bad virus since Monday so it’s been up and down with him all week to the GP. Hopefully he is on the mend soon!

Michelle x

P.S my hair is kind of growing back! I’ve got this weird peach fuzz all over my scalp. It may fall out again, but il keep you updated