The bit I didn’t want to document

My blogging world seems to be very surreal at the moment.  Each time I write a new post it feels like I’m telling the story of some poor woman with an awful health condition. I still can’t believe that I am writing the truth about myself as it just doesn’t seem real. Especially the next part. How can I document this?

Its been 67 days since I was told i had secondary breast cancer. On this 67th day I was told my disease was terminal and I would have less than 12 months to live. All I keep hearing my consultant saying is we need to get palliative care involved in your care, you can’t keep coming back through A&E with symptoms of your disease as it’s not fair on you, Palliative care can get involved now. (As I am typing right now I am waiting for my GP to visit me at home to discuss the palliative care arrangements and talk through what’s going to happen next. ) Palliative care though? Geez!! This shit is getting real 😔

Can you see what I mean now? How can this be actually real? I mean I am 31 years old, I’ve got my two gorgeous kiddies and a husband that adores me. We should be paying our mortgage off, going on expensive holidays, reaping the rewards in the careers we’ve both built up. But instead we are talking about palliative care, death and end of life.

So symptom wise I’m pretty knackered at the minute. Sitting down still on a chair I’m fine, you wouldn’t think nothing was wrong with me, but walking 20 yards I feel like my body is giving up. I have Lymphangtis where the cancer has spread into my lymph nodes in my lung. I also have this plereul effusion where the fluid is sitting in my lung lining. I have to have chest percussion to aid me clearing my lungs and the shortness of breath I suffer with is awful. I’ve kind of come to my senses that I will now be using a chair to get about, unless miraculously these steroids and the new chemo il be starting in a few weeks clear this chest up and all the congestion, otherwise I don’t see no other way forward. Once the embarrassment of using the chair for the first time is over with, il be ok. It’s a bit like when you loose your hair for the first time and you step outside, a few looks in and you just get used to it.

So the plan for my treatment was actually up to me. My consultant wasn’t sure wether this new chemo will work, but I Have to give it a go, we have also discussed immunotherapy treatment abroad in a German clinic which my lovely community is raising funds for me. I will know more on this front when I go back in two weeks.

So as you can imagine, our whole world has come crashing down. The pain we are all feeling is immense. I don’t know how I will cope with this bitter end, I just know I cannot die. Every will in my body is giving this the best shot and if all else fails at least I know I tried.

For now, we are packing up house and moving in with my parents. They are building a granny annexe on the side for them and we can all be under the same roof with good quality support. My kiddies will grow up in a better area, bigger house and it’s still right by their school.

Im going to love you and leave you now, I will update all my treatment plans/ side effects as they come. Sorry this one was such a depressing post 😏

Enjoy this crisp Autumnal day 🙂

Much love

Michelle xx

Life gets a little more complicated

I am usually an upbeat person, blogging away, looking at the positives in life and generally trying to be happy. But these last 6 weeks have been a dodgy old ride and it’s a stark reminder of what is to come.

So I started the chemo tablets 6 weeks ago, feeling very well and still planning on going back to work after the Christmas break. Very soon after starting the chemo I developed this nasty barking cough. The first couple of weeks I was prescribed 2 lots of antibiotics but still it lingered. I suffered with shortness of breath (SOB) throughout the first weeks and doing simple tasks like walking up the stairs or just putting some washing away literally took my breath away. I felt and still feel like my 31 year old body is rapidly changing into a body that I cannot adapt too. As you know I’ve got two young kids, so this shortness of breath and generally feeling like crap has not been taken well in my books.

So fast forward a few weeks,cough is still lingering,  SOB is still the same and with my heart rate in the 120’s, they decided to check to see if I had a blood clot in my Pulmonary Atrtey. This is done using a Ct scan, the radiologist is specifically looking for a blood clot but because of the nature of the scan they can pick up other things. Which they bloody well did!

No blood clot for me, instead progression of my disease. This was 10 days ago. I was told then that nothing can help with my SOB because it is disease related and the hope is that the chemo would help reduced the disease and then help my breathing get back to normal. So you can imagine at this point over a month of suffering, coughing my heart up everyday and not being able to breath I’m pretty damn fed up.

So the story continues and this time another hospital visit because of an intense pain in my right rib cage area and over my liver. I’ve been given really strong painkillers that just have not been touching it, the pain was worrying me and I needed to get this checked over. The doctor on the ward told me that the results of my CT scan 10’days ago did actually show a small pleural effusion (This is fluid around the lining of the lung) and it showed lymphangitis (enlarged/inflamed lymph system in lung) and so I was started on steroids and had a repeat chest X-ray. This showed the pleural effusion worsening with it now on my left lung and taken up residence in a third of my right lung. My oxygen saturation levels haven’t been too great neither. But the risk outweighs the benefit At the moment so they won’t drain it yet!

So now you’ve listened to me go on about the shittest time I’ve had so far on this crappy cancer journey I would just like to say thank you, the support you’ve all shown me over this last 10 months has been phenomenal. Our lives are changing ten fold at the moment. It’s all very scary and the future is so bleak and unknown.

If you take nothing else from this blog, just please have a good weekend. Give your loved ones a bigger kiss, a tighter hug and appreciate LIFE as you know it.

much love

Michelle. Xx