The bit I didn’t want to document

My blogging world seems to be very surreal at the moment.  Each time I write a new post it feels like I’m telling the story of some poor woman with an awful health condition. I still can’t believe that I am writing the truth about myself as it just doesn’t seem real. Especially the next part. How can I document this?

Its been 67 days since I was told i had secondary breast cancer. On this 67th day I was told my disease was terminal and I would have less than 12 months to live. All I keep hearing my consultant saying is we need to get palliative care involved in your care, you can’t keep coming back through A&E with symptoms of your disease as it’s not fair on you, Palliative care can get involved now. (As I am typing right now I am waiting for my GP to visit me at home to discuss the palliative care arrangements and talk through what’s going to happen next. ) Palliative care though? Geez!! This shit is getting real 😔

Can you see what I mean now? How can this be actually real? I mean I am 31 years old, I’ve got my two gorgeous kiddies and a husband that adores me. We should be paying our mortgage off, going on expensive holidays, reaping the rewards in the careers we’ve both built up. But instead we are talking about palliative care, death and end of life.

So symptom wise I’m pretty knackered at the minute. Sitting down still on a chair I’m fine, you wouldn’t think nothing was wrong with me, but walking 20 yards I feel like my body is giving up. I have Lymphangtis where the cancer has spread into my lymph nodes in my lung. I also have this plereul effusion where the fluid is sitting in my lung lining. I have to have chest percussion to aid me clearing my lungs and the shortness of breath I suffer with is awful. I’ve kind of come to my senses that I will now be using a chair to get about, unless miraculously these steroids and the new chemo il be starting in a few weeks clear this chest up and all the congestion, otherwise I don’t see no other way forward. Once the embarrassment of using the chair for the first time is over with, il be ok. It’s a bit like when you loose your hair for the first time and you step outside, a few looks in and you just get used to it.

So the plan for my treatment was actually up to me. My consultant wasn’t sure wether this new chemo will work, but I Have to give it a go, we have also discussed immunotherapy treatment abroad in a German clinic which my lovely community is raising funds for me. I will know more on this front when I go back in two weeks.

So as you can imagine, our whole world has come crashing down. The pain we are all feeling is immense. I don’t know how I will cope with this bitter end, I just know I cannot die. Every will in my body is giving this the best shot and if all else fails at least I know I tried.

For now, we are packing up house and moving in with my parents. They are building a granny annexe on the side for them and we can all be under the same roof with good quality support. My kiddies will grow up in a better area, bigger house and it’s still right by their school.

Im going to love you and leave you now, I will update all my treatment plans/ side effects as they come. Sorry this one was such a depressing post 😏

Enjoy this crisp Autumnal day 🙂

Much love

Michelle xx